Imply That You’ve Been In Prison
There was a time that a long prison sentence came with negative connotations. This was particularly true for job seekers but that is no longer the case. In the 21st Century workplace a period of incarceration is viewed with envy and respect. What better way to demonstrate that you can deal with difficult circumstances? No employer will worry that you’ll be intimidated by your competitors or by cold calling prospects if they know that you’ve dealt with gangs like the Aryan Nations and the Muslim Brotherhood for three to five years. Just take a look at Martha Stewart—unlike most celebrities she dealt with her prison sentence with toughness and dignity. She quickly reached a point where she was mentoring other inmates and essentially running the entire cell block. Now she’s more respected than ever because of her stint in prison, not despite it.
Most importantly, it’s a valuable tool to assert your dominance and make the workplace your own even before you’re officially offered the job. Let’s face it, it’s simple ‘dog psychology’. Interviewers are used to submissive worms begging for a job and pissing down their legs as they roll over and expose their bellies. Not you—you’re the ‘alpha dog’ here and suggesting that you’ve been in prison is another way to assert your dominance.
Here’s some sample lines to drop into your interview:
“I really learned how to work well with others when I did a bit at Chino.”
“Working in the metals shop stamping out license plates for .25 cents an hour makes you appreciate an opportunity like this one.”
“I bet you’ve never seen a guy die after getting shanked in the shower. I have.”
You can use it to highlight your resourcefulness and problem solving skills:
“In my ‘previous position’ I once had to make a bomb out of a toaster oven.”
“No better way to settle an interpersonal conflict with your peers than with a toothbrush handle you’ve sharpened by scraping on the floor.”
Corporate security is a huge concern today. A prison sentence will be viewed as evidence that you can be trusted with sensitive information:
“Someone bludgeoned my cell mate to death but I ain’t seen nothing.”
Attention to detail is a crucial component of corporate security:
“I noticed that the guard fell asleep at his post so we tied him up and took his keys.”
Intimating that you’ve just been released from prison is a great way to fill in any gaps you might have in your resume. You don’t need any bullshit about ‘doing consulting’ or whatever. A prison sentence quickly and effectively negates any downside from being out of the job market for several years:
“I’ve ‘been away for awhile’ but I’ve stayed up to date with relevant industry trends.”
“After six months in ‘the hole’ it’s really empowering to be around people again.”
“I’ve been ‘locked upstate’ for a few years but I’m anxious to get back into the workplace.”
If you want to get a six figure job you need to control the interview process from the beginning. Implying that you’ve been in prison is one excellent way to do that.
